I think every expects me to put on a strong front, maybe cos I'm a leader in church.But hey, everyone feels down sometimes.
Today is probably one of the worst.
I thought I've left the past behind, but today it came back to haunt me.
And at the worst timing ever.
I always try to look like I'm coping well, but I know on the inside I'm struggling.
Struggling with what?
With life, basically.
For a start, I have to endure severe tongue-lashings from my parents almost everyday.
Seems like my parents have a problem with my existence.
They don't treat my brother like that.
See how much my dad dotes on my brother.
And every sentence my dad says to me is so judgmental and harsh.
I'm at the breaking point already.
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go.
I hardly feel ANY love when I'm at home, so why bother staying at home.
Parents also argue all the time, and they always say they wanna eat as a family but it always becomes a warzone of arguments and shouts and yelling.
My mum told me today, that some of the parents in church are complaining about their sons and daughters, saying that after they start hanging out with the youth of the church, they change and become rude to their parents and stuff.
You want to know why?
Its the exact same reason as mine, they feel more loved when they are with their friends.
At least there's no judgment in these friendships, at least everyone encourages each other, unlike at home, where you get put down and discouraged even more when you fail, where you already feel so down but your parents still choose to scold you and make you feel worse.
I know I'm not the only one going through this.
I see the families who always pick each other up when they're down, the families who encourage each other in love, the children are so successful, and they respect their parents because their parents respect them.
As for me, my parents demand respect when they themselves don't show any respect to me at all.
How am I supposed to show any concern for the people who put me on a leash and caused my teenage life to go haywire because of their so called 'God-given' decisions?
Most of my sorrows and hurts were the results of the decisions they made.
Yesterday at evening service, I responded to the alter call, and so did my parents, I asked God for patience to deal with this, and asked God to help my parents understand me better.
But what happened?
No change at all!
Nothing, I tried my best to keep my cool today, but at the end of the day, it feels no different from other days.
Feeling kinda depressed about another situation, had a chat with a friend on MSN, and managed to get some pretty good advice.
But was feeling really super upset and depressed, and my parents, who have no empathy nor the ability to sense my sadness, had to just shout at me over something pretty minor.
I got kicked when I was down, the best part of it, it was at home.
All over $10, my parents pressurized me and cornered me without leaving any room for me to breathe.
I feel so cornered and lost, what's love?
Now that I know,
I guess I'll wait.
I'll pray and ask God,
If you're the right one.
The feeling won't go away.
I hope it doesn't.
I guess I'll wait.
I'll pray and ask God,
If you're the right one.
The feeling won't go away.
I hope it doesn't.
