Mixed frenzy of emotions and feelings

Somehow I can't wait for tomorrow to come.
But at the same time, I wish it would never come.
I'm dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.
I'm happy but frustrated at the same time.
I'm lucky but unlucky at the same time.
Why?
God knows.
I have no idea why I've been feeling like that lately.
I've become fed up with my life.
Its neither here nor there.
Its always somewhere in between.
And its a pretty screwed up situation.
Seems like things were never to be made simple for me.
I've just been given the tougher route of life, in terms of emotions.
I can't explain it in words.
But most people wouldn't want to be in my shoes.
It always never works my way.
Something has to go wrong, and I'm usually the biggest casualty.
I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I want to be around my friends.
Its an extremely annoying feeling.
And I have no idea which way to turn.

You Are Much Closer to Your Friends

Your friends are so great, it's hard not to be the closest to them. As for your family, your relationship with them is probably a bit strained. It's okay though. While you can't pick your family, you can pick your friends. And you've picked some amazing friends who count as family to you.

Title : Heroes Of Our Time
Artist : Dragonforce

Lost in a dream, finally it seems,
Emptiness and everlasting madness,
See the sadness grow, watching as we know,
Long before our journey for the world,
Call for us, the power in all of us,
So far beyond the blackened sky tonight...
Glorious, forever more in us,
We are victorious, and so alive.

[Chorus]
We'll all find our sacrifice tomorrow,
Our journey on towards a brighter day,
Silent tears we left behind, still so far away,
Across the endless sands,
Through the fields of our despair,
Free for all eternity, we stand, yeah,
Rise above the universe tonight,
Starchaser...

Fly towards the storm, see the world reborn,
Feel the pain inside the voice of sorrow,
Cross the distant shores, find the open door,
Stand alone, in judgment for tomorrow.

Years of pain still haunt us all, we saw the last sunrise,
Take me home, in freedom, for a lifetime...
Pray now for the silence, and the last tears we'll cry
So glorious, this fire inside, united we stand.

[Chorus]
And we'll all find our sacrifice tomorrow,
Our journey on towards a brighter day,
Silent tears we left behind, still so far away,
Across the endless sands,
Through the fields of our despair,
Free for all eternity, we stand, yeah,
Rise above the universe tonight,
Starchaser...

Free from this world, here for the last time,
Oceans collide inside of us all,
Believe who we are,
The phoenix will guide us,
Freedom will rise once again.

Save us tonight, the last hope for all of us,
Light-years gone by, we're still holding on,
Save us tonight, a star shines in all of us,
Far beyond our lives, still our glory lives on.

[Chorus]
And we'll all find our sacrifice tomorrow,
Our journey on towards a brighter day,
Silent tears we left behind, still so far away,
Across the endless sands,
Through the fields of our despair,
Free for all eternity, we stand, yeah,
Rise above the universe tonight,
Starchaser...Starchaser...

Our kingdom come, we stand as one,
And we will live for always evermore...

Meaning?

Had a dream last night.
I was standing on the top of a hill facing the ocean.
And at the bottom of the hill I saw her.
Standing in the breeze, facing the sea.
I stopped and stared.
And after what seemed like forever,
White dots of residue started falling down from the sky.
Finally, it snows in Singapore.
She began to stretch out her hand to allow the snow to land gently onto her hand.
It was a gentle feeling and there was a lot of peace and serenity at that moment.
After a long while she started to turn around,
And just as she was about to lift her head to look at me...

I woke up.
Annoying, even in my dreams.
She didn't get to see me.

Alright, enough of that.
How's my week been?
So-so la, not that bad, not that good either
I don't know why, lately I've been feeling lonely, and its my own fault.
I keep to myself and I don't let up.
At home I get easy frustrated.
Why did the maid do something so foolish?
Now the whole family has to chip in and do the housework,
not to mention taking care of my grandmother.
Seriously troublesome.
On top of that I still have O'levels to study for,
and my poly schedule is quite stressful.
Almost 9-5pm everyday.
I don't mind starting early.
I just hate ending late.
Cos by the time I reach home I'd be dead tired.
I used to be able to sleep at 2am and wake up at 7am easily.
Now guess my body has aged.
I wouldn't have the energy to last the day if I did that now.

Anyway, net last week was good!
It was good to be back after going missing for 2 weeks.
Edge was fun as usual.
Really like the new series on 'Search'
Sunday, not too good, I guess.
They wanted the net leaders to go and meet with the primary 6 kids to welcome them into the youth ministry.
I was a little reluctant, as I realised that my brother was one of them.
Monday, went to Matthew's birthday barbeque, it was normal, not super, but not bad as well.
Was really dreading to go to school yesterday, wanted to skip school.
But I went and managed to accomplish a bit.
Ok, my paper starts at 2pm today.
Should get a move on.
Sorry Andrew and Clement for leaving you two alone today.

Someone says my blog sux.
Why can't people just mind their own business.
I don't understand how people can be such lowlifes as to flame others' blogs.
Anyway I'm not going to care much about this.
So long, and goodbye ;)

Can't believe I woke up at 5am!

So here I am blogging, yes at 5.00 freakin AM.
I guess its because I slept at 8.45pm last night.
Was feeling really tired due to lack of sleep from other nights.
Anyways, my new timetable really sucks.
Wednesdays suck the most.
Full days from 9am-6pm on most wednesdays.
And I still have to retake CARC.
On top of that I have to come back to school every Friday for 3 hours to attend my CDS (Cross Disciplinary Subject), Styles in Media Writing (SIWM).
I have no idea what this subject has to offer.
Hope I pass CARC and clear all my other subjects as well.
Programming is gonna be way harder this semester.
I'm so gonna die.
Anyway, I've been feeling really under the weather.
Hate the rainy season.
Got caught in the rain twice.
Feeling sick, but school is still important.
I should still be sleeping.
But my mind is really awake now.
Should I study?
Or play games?
Or just laze around in bed?
Hmm...

Science!

Ok, so this month has been a VERY long month.
And its still not ending soon.
Had science practical last Thursday.
Chemistry was pretty annoying for the practical.
Physics was ok, I guess.
After practical I rushed off to Changi Airport to take a plane up to KL to attend grandfather's funeral wake.
By MYSELF.
It was rather funny, I guess, the airport staff said those under the age of 17 needs someone to escort them to the plane, and blablabla, I felt like a kid who was lost for directions, but I also felt like a VIP, cos they allowed me to go to the front of every queue.
The wake was good, quite a lot of people turned up.
The wake service was really good.
A crystal clear message to encourage the family.
Burial day, very few turned up due to the timing.
Dad almost lost it, I could see.
Guess I've finally seen my dad shed tears.
It happened in a dream once.
A déjà vu moment.
Circumstances were different but the scene was the same.
Came back on Friday night, a very long and tiring 48 hours, if I do say so myself.
Went for edge on Saturday, had that surreal feeling that I've been gone a long time, yet everyone still was the same, guess this situation only affected me. Oh well.
And today, Chemistry paper!
Was quite ok, I think I can barely manage an A2.
All I need is A2 to get that ultimate prize.
Saw David Lim and Joel Tan at Pei Hwa secondary school.
Left quickly after the paper cos it looked as if it was about to rain.
Been craving MacDonalds all week.
Have been craving Long John Silver, Burger King, Seoul Garden and Sushi as well.
Absolutely love wasabi.
No link, totally random.
Blah Blah.
Something's wrong with my guitar.
Same problem as Sheryl and David.
Gotta change new strings and fix that dent as well.
And I want an electric guitar! (Preferably a Gretsch brand one cos its so cool looking!)
I want it for my birthday and christmas combined!
I'm willing to pay for half of it.
And, school was supposed to start today for Temasek Poly students, but due to my Chemistry paper, I had to miss school.
Oh well, school starts tomorrow den.
Hope all goes well.

Be strong, trust God

Ok, so what we feared the most has finally come to past.
The news came as we were on the way home to Singapore earlier today.
I'm guessing that dad's mind must have been in a whirl the moment he heard the news.
It also made the trip up to Malaysia worthwhile.
At least we got to spend time with him in his final days.
All the suffering has finally left him for good.
He's with God now, rejoicing in heaven with the angels.
He got saved about 3 years back I think.
I'm not too sure about the details, I was just glad that he finally gave his life to Christ.
I don't think that I have appreciated him enough during his time on earth.
He was a good man, always looking out for the family, and making tough choices for us.
He used to cross highways the way we cross normal roads just to get to the market and buy breakfast back for all of us, despite his age.
He walked slowly, but he always made it back safely, by God's grace.
Even when he's hearing became weaker, he still continued to buy breakfast for everyone, walking the 1km+ to the market every morning.
When his vision became impaired, he still continued to do the same, all out of love.
But what did I do?
I complained the food wasn't nice, Singapore's breakfast is better.
I didn't respond when he spoke to me.
I didn't bother to learn Cantonese to communicate with him.
I didn't spend enough time with him, thats for sure.
Every time I went up to Malaysia to visit him and my relatives, he would give me $50 SGD to spend, saying that I was too skinny and needed to eat more.
Yes, I spent the money eating, but I took the money for granted and always expected him to give and give.
Throughout the time spent in Malaysia this time, I felt such a strong feeling of sadness, as I realised that this was the man who used to look after me since I was a baby.
He was the one who watched me grow up and always did what was best for me.
He was the one who always rejoiced and smiled every time he saw me.
And not once have I appreciated him for that.
Like they say, you never know what you got till its gone.
And now, all I can do is hold back the tears and be strong.
While this phrase keeps ringing in my head.

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Because I know that he's finally out of the pain and suffering, and I can rejoice in this situation because I know that he's with our Father in heaven.
In every season, He is still God, He will never fail, He has a plan.
Even when Grandpa's gone, life still has to move on, we can't mourn forever.
We can look forward to the day when we meet with him in heaven.
Till then, we will carry on living for God, because He will never fail us.

Thank you everybody for showing so much support to me and my family.
I really appreciate it.
Do keep the family in prayer.
And may God help us to be strong.

Malaysia

Ok, so I have only 3 more days to spend in Malaysia.
Its not much, and we don't know how things will go.
Its quite a depressing scene in Grandpa's room.
We rented a hospital bed for him so that there's all the 'functions' needed.
The nurse comes occasionally to chat with him and take care of him.
He's not doing too well, lost a lot of weight, reducing him to literally skin and bones.
Its just like the skin is sagging from his bones when he lifts his hands.
Its really alot of suffering for him.
I can imagine the discomfort he's going through.
Pray.
Thats all I can say now.
Pray that he finally finds eternal peace and rest.
Free from this dying body.
Free from suffering.
Pray.
For the 2 sons, my dad and my uncle, that God will grant them comfort should anything happen.
Its always a moody atmosphere when I enter his room.
He wants love and attention, but i fail to give that to him.
I can't even speak his language, Cantonese.
What am I to say when I'm there?
What am I to do?
All I can do is to hold back the tears.
And to try to grant him some comfort and rest.

Cousins are doing well, having exams now though.
So the fun factor has been cut by 70%
I'm also supposed to be studying, and I did, for 4 hours overall.
Guitaring here isn't the same.
I love my guitar.
So all I can do is to MSN, Facebook and to watch anime.
Occasionally I play a few warcraft customs games and that's it.
We did get to play Fifa 09 on the PS2, as well as card games.

Week of prayer and fasting.
Not much fasting though.
On Thursday, the 2nd day of our arrival to Malaysia,
for lunch we went to a restaurant called Black Canyon.
I ate American fried rice, and had a mocha ice blended with whipped cream on top.
For dinner, we had western!
Sirlion steak, fries, cole slaw, salad, escargot, shellfish, ice lemon tea, cream of mushroom, etc.
Yumm...
Today, had a really good dinner, Chinese food, but we had fried chicken, curry chicken, butter prawn, rice, veggies, and lots of chinese tea.
Although it doesn't sound as good as western food, believe me it comes a close second.
Anyway I'm going to attend my cousin's church tomorrow.
I have a funny feeling that something bad might happen tomorrow.
Shhhh.....

This whole week.
All I've been doing is thinking of her.
My mind's been so distracted.
After not seeing her for such a long time.
I hope things fall into place soon.
I wanna know the outcome soon enough.
The suspense is killing me.

Ok, updates (Not much though)

I'll be going away to Malaysia for the next week, grandad's in critical condition, leaving him bedridden, I heard.
Yesterday, lazed around at home...
Woke up at lik 10.30, went for lunch, took an afternoon nap and dinner, MSN, den went to bed.
Sounds like a wasted day dontcha think?
Today, at tuition, managed to stay quite focused, because I think I wouldn't have the mood to study in Malaysia.
And the science practical is on 16th October!!!
2 days after I return.
Rawr....
Anyway I can't stop feeding this bottomless pit of mine (the stomach)

It growls a lot, especially at night.
And at tuition today I couldn't take it anymore so I asked Eugenia to make me a sandwich.Ok, when I first looked at it I was impressed. She had it grilled! WOW!
Den I took a bite and noticed something strange.
Yes, I was eating my way to cancer.


Yeah so any way after that went for prayer meeting.
Followed by caregroup.
Dad was chasing me to leave the caregroup meeting earlier.
Dunno why.
When I rushed out he was still having a chat with brother Paul.
Wasted.... =.=

Joke of the night. (Take note of the words in the darker blue)

jordan: omg new pink shirt..

jordan: ahahah fine

e.v.i.e.: no la.. not new haha

jordan: sorrrrrrrrry

Paul: hahaha

Paul: YA LOR
WHERE GOT NEW SIA?

Paul: rite evie?

♂AngelG³X♂ I'll: haha

e.v.i.e.: hahaha

[Arthur] [www.a-: i dont get it

be my EVERYTHING: what's SIA?

GO SS GO: wear a few times loh

e.v.i.e.: only *ahem* was new

GO SS GO: lol

GO SS GO: sia loh

be my EVERYTHING: singapore airlines?

A day of formal (3/4 Style)

Ok so many I'll post some updates first.
Knee feels much better, can finally straighten properly.
And pimple problem improving.
No much pain, just scars....
Ugly, ugly scars.
Not a good time for photo taking la.
Evie says I copied her pose.
Anyway, edge, had a good message, a new series titled, "Search"
It was good, at least everything maaged to link up in the end although I got lost halfway during the message.
After that, had a good dinner at Hougang mall, after a long time of not hanging out with region 3/4.
Sunday morning, the youth wanted to wear formal as a region, but as usual, some of them didn't get the memo, most wore semi formal, I wanted to also but I had ushering duty and it didn't allow me to wear jeans, so had to wear full formal.
JJ came in a tie!
Wow super smart.
Everyone looked pretty good, yeah.



Yup, we stayed back at tampines building the whole day, studying in one of the classrooms.
Well I can say I managed to study a little, I finished a worksheet in 45 mins!
First time!
Usually I take 2-3 hours.
And even after 2 cans of coffee, a pack of cheese fries and a cup of Oreo Milo ice blend with pearl, I couldn't find motivation to study, so chatted with Johnathon and James about Heroes season 3, slowly linked to X-men, and finally Naruto.
The message for evening service was really good.
Although I was nodding off half the time, I really felt that the message was specially meant for me.
And the other words from God during alter call.

Anyway, I wanna apologise again, because today had been a day of tough choices.
I had been invited to 2 different parties.
One is from my long time buddy, Asri, who's Hari Raya party I missed last year as well, I really feel like I let you down this time bro, so I'm sorry.
And to Haziqah, I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight, parents as usual.
And to Nicholas, real sorry I forgot your birthday was today, thank God I realised it before 12AM or I would really be feeling super guilty...

So thats it, the rest of the photos are up on facebook.

We looked like a mafia organisation

I wish things would go back the way it used to be.
Friends forever

Would she hear me if I call her name?
Would she hold me if she knew my shame?

Disappointment

So this disappointment is just another way that the devil attacks.
The only problem is that he's too convincing.
______________________________________________________________________

Today was a rather promising day.
But things took an unexpected turn of events.
I was supposed to meet Ivan to go down to town to change guitar strings.
And after which, I would go over to his house to jam because its going to be his first time playing guitar for his net group this Friday.
Wanted to be of help to him, but due to my laziness, I woke up at 10.30am, got scolded by my mother and wasn't allowed to step out of the house in the afternoon.
Spent the whole day online, watching anime and just hopping around the different pages of Facebook.
James wanted me to suggest a nice place to study.
I jokingly suggested the lounge at my condominium's clubhouse, but he readily agreed.
So he came down with Pamela, and met Sheryl there as well, and we studied.
I only studied for about an hour, before going home to have my dinner.
After that, we went down to Buangkok to play basketball with the region youth.
A really huge turnout, which caught me by surprise.
It didn't feel like one of those badminton days where it was just the few of us.
Anyway, this basketball game was the sports 'event' that I had been looking forward to all week, which has only been two days, but whatever.
I have once again injured my knee, I thought it felt better today because I managed to straighten it fully without discomfort, but now it hurts again.
Had supper at the Kopitiam nearby, went home after that.
____________________________________________________________________

Failure is the stepping stone to success.
Which idiot said that?
I've been a failure my whole life and I've never once tasted success.
So whoever quoted that ought to be shot.